Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sometimes its not her, its me...

...crying.

Music. I love listening to music. It has this magical ability to alter my mood or bring up a memory. It is quite amazing how quickly I can find myself either jazzed or crying listening to the lyrics of specific songs. Umm.. yeah... crying won tonight... What song sent me off, you ask? "To Make You Feel My Love".

I won't reveal all of my thoughts and emotions, but I ultimately ended up thinking only of Maeve. The first time I broke down and cried for her was the first time that she broke too. Maeve had not really cried while we were in Ethiopia -- only fussed when she was tired or hungry. On our plane ride home I experienced Maeve grieving. There was nothing that she needed, except that she needed to cry. You know when you can decipher cries? This cry was an entirely sad sad cry. She had no idea what had just happened to her other than she was ripped away from the life that she was familiar with, the home that she knew, and caregivers that loved her. For two hours, on and off, she whimpered, cried, and even shuttered in her sleep. I just held her and walked. Finally, she fell into a deep enough sleep that she was at peace and then I sat down and cried for her. My heart literally ached and still aches for her. I want her to feel all the love and security in the world... and its hard to watch her sometimes feel uncertain about that.

Fortunately, she is definitely acting like someone who is feeling more and more secure and attached... I haven't had a grieving cry session from her in awhile... but, the thing is, I just can't forget the few episodes of sadness that she's had. It was, and is, heart breaking. I was holding her tonight as we were dancing to this song and I looked into her eyes. I had promised her birth mom that I would love her twice as much -- her love and my own. I hope Maeve can feel it.

3 comments:

Brian and Heather said...

This post definitely brought out MY tears. Thank you for being real. Adoption is such a bittersweet crazy ride. We are leaving in the Jan. 8th group to get our son. He'll be around the same age as your sweet girl. Let us know if you have any travel advice or anything in particular you think we should pack for that age. Thanks for blogging!!

Rosanne and Brian Carter said...

I'm the one that's tearing up now...my tears are for you and Maeve, for the ache you feel, Maeve's transitions, and for the journey ahead. You are no doubt fulfilling your promise and what Maeve may not fully grasp now, she will on her own time. Enjoy the ride Shauna...and thank you for sharing it with us!

karen gerstenberger said...

I'm so glad that you posted this. I hadn't thought about Maeve's grief; I had only thought of the abundant love that she has come into, now that you & she are a family.

As for grieving for your child when she is hurting...well, you probably know that this is only the beginning. God bless both of you!